All She'll Ever Want
by Coff
Summary: Written for the 2009 May Staff Challenge at HPFF. Tonks knew she shouldn't have come. The whole dinner has turned out to be a disaster, a miserable disaster. But Remus is all she'll ever want.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything  
**Note:** This is in response to the May 2009 Staff Challenge at HPFF, where we had to write something that took place during Half Blood Prince. It could be a missing scene, a scene that I wished happened, but didn't, or a scene that happened that I wanted to change. I chose the latter. In this scene, Tonks does attend Harry's birthday dinner, instead of declining Molly's request, as she does in HBP. This is what I saw happening if she did attend dinner with them. Enjoy, and, as always, review!

All She'll Ever Want

He's spent the whole dinner looking anguished, and she's spent the whole dinner glaring at him.

All in all, it's been an uncomfortable dinner for them both, though she's not sure if anyone else has noticed anything.

Harry seems to be having a perfectly happy birthday dinner, she notes, for all that his godfather-turned-father-figure-and-best-friend has just been killed. Hermione and Ron look at him more often than they usually do, and everyone seems a little concerned that he's about to break down in tears, right at the table.

Though the conversation, which for most of the dinner had been focussed on topics that could only be considered safe and inoffensive, did turn ugly for a moment, they have moved onto more pleasant topics since, and for that she is both relieved and disappointed. Relieved that they have stopped talking about the war. Disappointed that Remus has fallen silent; his deep, soothing voice quietened.

Tonks _knew_ it was a mistake to come. When Molly asked her, those few nights ago, if she wanted to come to a birthday dinner for Harry, she should have said no. She knew she wasn't up for a party. She wasn't up to talking to people, and pretending to be happy. How could she be happy? The one man she had ever loved had denied her, denied himself.

So when Molly had asked her to come to the dinner, and then had added that Remus was coming, her heart had quickened and she had said yes almost before she knew what she was doing.

It was an animalistic instinct. Caveman instinct. 'Remus coming. You?' 'Yes.'

She couldn't deny that that had been the train of thought. But when Remus is involved, it is as if nothing else matters. As if nothing else even exists.

She doesn't _care_ about his age. She doesn't _care_ that he is a werewolf.

She just cares about him. She loves him. She loves his sense of self deprecating and witty humour. She loves his easy smile, and the way he has a knack of making things make sense.

She loves the way her heart quickens at his approach.

She pokes at some peas with her fork, trying to see how many she can load onto the prongs, before she looks up and sees Remus watching her. There is longing in his eyes, and her heart nearly breaks all over again at the sight of it.

He quickly looks away, and she glares at him, or rather, the side of his head. Her glare softens at the sight of his hair, streaked with gray. Her gaze travels down to the creases and lines on his forehead, and to the patches on his clothes.

An overly happy Mrs Weasley claps loudly as Harry blows out his candles and cuts his cake, and she laughs delightedly as, after the knife touches the bottom, he rewards her with a peck on the cheek. He is making an effort to pretend to be enthusiastic, and Tonks likes him all the more for it. He has to be the most self-sacrificing person she has ever met.

Aside from _him_. The object of her dreams. He says he should be the object of her nightmares.

But Remus is just so self-sacrificing, almost to a fault.

To the point where she doesn't know if he is trying to be polite in rebuffing her affections, or if he really does love her in return, and just doesn't want her to get hurt.

She doesn't know what's worse. Him loving her, and not being with her...

Or him just not loving her.

Suddenly, tears well up in her eyes. Doing her best to hold them in, she stands up abruptly. The chair almost topples over behind her. Molly and Remus, more attuned to her than the others, look up in surprise, and Remus almost gets to his feet. The rest of the table look at her curiously.

'Loo,' she mutters, before turning around and fleeing.

She almost doesn't make it there fast enough. She slams the door behind her and sits on the edge of the bathtub, her feet resting on a wooden crate. With a sob, she puts her head in her hands and lowers her face to her knees.

She screams into her knees, the sound muffled by the fabric of her robes. Her shoulders are shaking beyond control.

Suddenly, there is a rap on the door.

'Just a second,' she calls, taking care to keep her voice under control. Even still, her voice trembles slightly. She stands up and walks over to the sink, and the mirror behind it, checking her tearstained reflection.

'It's me.'

Two words. Just two words are enough to send her over the edge again. A fresh wave of tears threaten to break loose. She quickly grabs a tissue from the box and blots her face.

'Dora?'

Tonks swallows, and sits down on the toilet, the lid down. She waves her wand carelessly at the door, and there is a sliding sound as the door unlocks.

'Dora?' he asks again, this time tentatively, as he nudges the door open and peers inside. He spots her, sitting on the toilet seat, and enters the room properly.

The look on his face is heartbreaking... and infuriating. Her fingers curl up into fists, and she stands up abruptly, glaring at him.

'Please,' she hisses, 'just leave me alone.'

Remus takes a deep breath, but doesn't look surprised at her outburst, another fact that annoys Tonks. Why does he have to be so bloody _understanding_?

'I'm sorry,' he says quietly, his voice hitching on the last word.

Tonks closes her eyes briefly, steadying herself, working up the courage to just ask him for the truth.

Surprisingly, she is able. 'Just tell me one thing.' She is surprised. She may be bubbly, bright, bloody clumsy, and good in a fight, but when it came to personal matters, she has never been brave. 'Are you rejecting me because you're a werewolf, or because you just don't love me?'

A sob rises up in her throat, and she does her best to hold it back.

Remus pushes his shoulders back and stands up straight, bracing himself. 'I'm sorry, Dora, I'm not in love with you.'

It is blatantly a lie.

Tonks gasps, and dashes over to him, seizing the front of his robes. 'You don't mean that,' she says, almost desperately. 'Please, tell me you don't mean that.'

Remus sighs and pries her hands from his robes, and pushes her away firmly. He turns to leave the bathroom, but pauses at the door.

'Why did you even follow me in here,' Tonks asks bitterly.

'I don't know,' Remus replies quietly, his back to her.

'I shouldn't have come,' Tonks mutters, more to herself than to him.

'I just wanted to make sure you were all right.' Remus turns to her, and closes his eyes, fingers pressed to his temple.

'I think you made things worse,' Tonks says harshly.

'I'm sorry,' Remus bursts, his face anguished, desperate. 'I'm sorry! I should have never followed you. I should have never let myself fall in love with you!'

There is a pause as that sinks in.

'You do love me?' Tonks whispers.

Remus looks at her, yearning. 'You have no idea.'

An unbidden giggle bursts out of her. 'Really?'

Remus cracks a sheepish grin, and somehow it manages to remind Tonks of why they are there.

'But you didn't come after me to take me back?'

Remus looks at her, and crosses the space between them in one long stride. One hand cups her cheek, the other hand lightly fingers the brown hair messily framing her face.

'No,' he says after a while. 'I didn't.'

'You shouldn't have come.'

'No.'

There is a pause.

'I can't keep away from you,' he whispers. 'Every moment I am away from you, I can't help but think of you. Wonder if you are okay. Wonder if you are _alive_.'

'Remus, I don't care about anything! I don't care that you're older than me, or that you're a werewolf, or that you don't have much money!'

'You should,' Remus says, bitterly.

'You're a bloody fool!' she cries.

'Listen to me,' Remus cries in panic, fear, desperation. 'I am a dark creature! I can harm you more than you'll ever know!' He looks away, trying to control himself. 'And Dumbledore wants me to go and live with the werewolves.'

The news is a shock. 'What?' she whispers.

'We need information,' he says angrily, turning away from her and pacing the small bathroom.

'And you have to do it?'

'I'm the only one who can do it.' His tone is furious, though whether he is furious with Dumbledore or himself, Tonks will never know.

'So what does that matter?'

'I won't be able to send letters to anyone! I have to gain their trust!'

'I can wait for you,' she said quietly.

'Why bother?' he is still bitter, and still furious.

'Tell Dumbledore that you don't want to go and live with them!'

Remus wheels around to face her. 'You can't be serious? The information I could get from them could turn the tide of the war!'

'The war,' she says, quietly, echoing him.

'We _are_ at war, Nymphadora,' he says sharply. Tonks glares at him, and he smirks slightly, a bit of his old self shining through.

'I love you,' she whispers, crossing the room to stand in front of him. She grasps his hand in both of hers, and begins to rub it, massage it. 'I can't live without you.'

'You don't mean that.' His tone is as quiet as hers.

'I've never meant anything more.'

She takes one hand away from his and raises it to his cheek, very lightly caressing it. 'I love you,' she breathes, drawing his face closer, her body, though not touching his, moulding to shape it. 'Do you love me?'

The look in his eyes is intense, and neither one can seem to look away from one another. 'I do,' he breathes in return, his free arm reaching forward and running up and down her side. The air between them is electric, and Tonks has never felt anything like it.

She doesn't know who moves first, but suddenly they are kissing, and though it is sweet, it is also desperate, as though this is the last kiss they will share. Desperate to change that, she brings him closer, wrapping her arms around his neck, and kisses him harder. He tightens his hold on her waist... until he breaks them apart, gasping for air. 'This is a mistake,' he says, breathlessly.

'I don't believe that,' Tonks says, just as breathlessly, as she leans forward to kiss him again.

He pushes her away, and she is impatient. 'What?'

He lets out a laugh, one that is closer to a giggle than a chuckle. Tonks stares at him in amazement. She has never heard such a sound come out of his mouth.

'Will you marry me?'

The question is definitely unexpected, and she cannot squash the giggle that comes out of her mouth. 'For real?' she whispers.

Remus nods.

'Yes,' she breaths, before repeating it again, louder. 'Yes! Yes, of course!'

Remus laughs, relieved, happy, and suddenly swings her around in joy. 'You mean it?' he asks, his face glowing.

Tonks nods, and her face breaks out into a huge smile. He sets her down and tries to bite back his grin. Tonks laughs as he fails. Slowly, he lowers his face to hers, and softly kisses her. This time, there is no hint of the desperation. He slides a hand into her hair, and the other finds a familiar home on her waist.

'And everything else?' he whispers as he breaks the kiss, his nose nudging hers.

'We'll figure it out.'


End file.
